i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
