Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Jerry, you need to find god
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dear god my vagina.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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