I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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