I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
