I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
