cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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