I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
