Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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