the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize