My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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