After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I know her cup size but not her name....
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
