I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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