Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
