I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
