Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
