finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
