Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
