R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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