There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
