Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
