so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
