Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
