In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
