just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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