I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
