I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
