Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize