Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
