I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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