Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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