got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
