I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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