I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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