Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Randomize
