things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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