I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
