I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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