I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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