So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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