i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
