Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
