i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize