Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
