I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
