Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
