then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize