It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
