Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I love black thongs
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Randomize
