i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
