but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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